


Well, now I'm not going to do it.

by Creatornottraitor



Series: Non-Despair [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Byakuya is still a bitch, Chihiro is Jesus, Chihiro no you will doom us all no, Implied Sexual Content, Ishida in an experiment that....well....failed miserably, Junko is scarred for life after some interesting things happen in the boy's locker room, Kyoko loosens up a bit, Makoto is done with everyone's crap, Milk, Mukuro is actually enjoying herself, Nonbinary Fujisaki Chihiro, Other, There is no milk left for the tea, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-09-24 03:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20352001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creatornottraitor/pseuds/Creatornottraitor
Summary: Weirdness ensues as the Ultimates try to not kill each other, while staying relatively sane. I doesn't work out exactly as planned, however.





	1. The paper ball

It all started when Leon " accidentally" threw a paper ball at Ishimaru during a morning meeting. That hit him square in the nose. Then, Mondo whipped the paper ball back at him, hitting Sayaka instead. So began to most epic one piece of paper indoor snowball fight ever. There was revenge ( Taka just went over to Leon and smacked him over the head with the ball), tragedy ( Makoto took the ball to his chest to protect Sayaka), and bloodshed ( Sakura threw the ball a little too hard). That was until the ball hit Byakuya. He put the ball beneath his foot and crushed it, along with all of the fun they'd been having, then left, followed by Toko. The rest of the meeting was spent organising a giant game of hide and seek, with Celeste not playing, obviously. This was just the beginning, however. Things were about to get way weirder.


	2. Junko decided to leave. She had seen everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. The poor mastermind almost had to watch some NSFW crap.

The two boys had been in the locker room for a few hours prior. They had been working out together, and we're just about to leave when Mondo pushed Ishimaru against a wall. "Mondo! What are you...". " Shh, it's okay. We're alone". Mondo kissed Ishimaru, who returned it in full. As they began passionately making out, Junko was watching with gross fascination. She had just checked in to see if someone was dead, but was greeted with this. Mondo started to remove Taka's shirt, then his own. Then Ishimaru's pants dropped. And that's when Junko sent in Monokuma, 'cause she ain't seeing' no shit like that. Not in the locker room. " And what do you two think you're doing?". Both boys froze, then Kiyotaka hurriedly pulled up his pants and pulled his shirt on. " N-nothing, Mr.Monokuma, sir! Just e-excircizing!". " Well, you two can "Exercize" in one of your bedrooms! This is the reasons the girls locker room is protected by a Gatling gun! Jesus Christ!". Both boys scurried out of the locker room, Mondo just carring his shirt. Junko breathed a sigh of relief. No yaio shit for her today, no way.


	3. Chug,chug,chug,chug!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no milk left.

Celeste was pissed. She wanted milk tea but apparently, all the milk had gone missing, so she hired Kyoko to find out why. The answer was simple really. It was literally on the floor of the dining hall, being mopped up by Ishimaru. A quick conversation with him, then the subjects involved revealed that Leon, Hifumi, Yasuhiro, Mondo, Chihiro, and Makoto had a milk chugging contest. God, did they look funny when it ended horribly. Celesta demanded that Monokuma get her some milk for her tea, but was told it was simply impossible because the fridge was restocked every night, and it was just past noon. So that's the story about why most of the boys were in their rooms for...most of the week, honestly.


	4. I'ma out of good ideas

Hi! If you want the cast to do something, ask a question, or better yet yeet 11037 out of a window, please comment! I will do my best to do it correctly according to their character traits. And yes, you can snatch Mukuro's weave.


	5. GAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leon and Mondo play a game where they point at someone and the other person says if they would sleep with them or not. And, oh boy does Leon laugh.

Mondo was just staring at Taka. Taka was just screaming at Celestia, because she was blatantly cheating. He started cring, and ran into the kitchen, returning with a muffin and eating it in sadness. He was fucking crying while eating a muffin, sitting right in front of Celestia. She looked weirded out, and just left. Mondo was about to full on laugh when Leon came up to him." Hey, Mondo! Ya doing anything?". " Nothin much. What do you need?". " I have this new game. One person points at someone, and the other person says whether they would bang them or not.". " Ok, I'll go first.". Mondo pointed at Sayaka." Yeah, if she wasn't with Makoto.". Then he pointed at Makoto. " NO! I'm not gay! What the heck?". Snickering, Mondo pointed at Junko. " Yes. Yes yes yes. Ok, one last person.". " Ok.". Mondo thought about it for a second, and as Mondo thought about it Togami came in. Mondo pointed at Togami. " Why are you pointing at me, Narwhal.". " It's just for a game, dude. Calm down.". Byakuya just walked away. " Never ever ever. Ok, my turn. Ummmm..." he pointed at Sakura. " No, don't think so.". Leonpointed at Kyoko. " Fuck no! What the hell are you thinking?". " Ok....". Leon pointed at Toko. " Is that a fucking joke? NO!". " Jesus Christ, Mondo.". Leon thought of his revenge plan. He pointed straight at Ishimaru, who was still sadly eating his muffin. Mondo blushed hard, and blood just rushed to his groin like Kirumi running from Monokuma. He barely nodded. Leon just burst out laughing, kinda startling half the group. " Well, go hang out with him. He seems like he need his best friend. Go on.". Mondo walked over to Taka, who had just finished his muffin, and was now crying into his hand. " Hey, bro. You...doing okay?". Kiyotaka just grabbed onto Mondo, hugging his stomach, still crying. " Celeste was cheating and she won't admit it and now I'm sad.". " It'sok bro. Here, why don't we go to my room and Taka bout it.". " Ok....wait. Did you just make a pun?". " Yeah.". " oh". Mondo picked up Taka and headed for the dorm rooms, and Loen had the nerve to fucking wink at Mondo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leon is just being supportive.


	6. Chapter 6

There was a dance coming up. Everyone was buzzing with excitement, except Sakura. Aoi noticed the change in her usually lively friend. " Hey, Sakura! You doing ok?". Sakura smiled at her close friend. "Yes, I just have something on my mind, that's all.". " Oh! Well, you can tell me!". " Ot's just that there is a dance coming up, and I don't know how to dance.". " Really? Well, I can teach you!". " Are you sure?". "Of course! I'll be happy to help." they headed to Sakura's room to practice the steps. After a while, she was finally starting to get the hang of it. They kept dancing, until Aoi tripped. Sakura caugh her just in time, their faces almost touching. Aoi gave her a quick kiss on the nose before Sakura lifted her up. " I think that is enough for today. Thank you, Aoi.". " No prob! Anytime! Well, I should get going. It's almost nighttime!". " Alright. Have a good sleep.". " You to!". Aoi left, kinda slamming the door behind her. Sakura pressed the spot where Aoi had kissed her. She wasn't used to this kind of gentle affection, but if felt good. And that was good for her.


	7. Chapter 7

Byakuya walked calmly into the dining hall. He thought that he should entertain the boy's needs, something to do. Ishimaru was standing there. Oh, yeah, Kyoko was also there making herself a sandwich. She recorded the conversation, if you can call it that. Taka explained that the way Byakuya was acting wasn't positive in any way, shape or form, and Byakuya was being Byakuya. Ishimaru finally got fed up. You could see the glow leaking out of his eyes, and his hair just barely turning white. " Byakuya, you....you are....You are being a phallus right now, and I don't appreciate it.". Byakuya shook his head. "Why would I take the time to speak kindly to someone like you. Your "dream" is no more than an unnessicary goal. You will undoubtedly end up like your Father,mstruggling in a hamster wheel, trapped by the mistakes that ruined your family's reputation. It would have been easier if you hadn't gotten your title in the first place, so the fall wouldn't hurt you as much. You are as useless and ordinary as Makoto, and as thick-skilled as the rest of them. You are nothing. You mean nothing. You would be more use dead.". Ishimaru had long since started crying, and those last sentences caused him to break down. He ran out of the room, tear streaming down his face. Kyoko came out of the kitchen, glaring at Byakuya. " Now is no time to be uncivil. You could've started something that would be difficult to stop.". She went out into the hallway, where everyone was going to get some lunch. The group was huddled around the crying prefect, some trying to comfort him, some trying to figure out what happened. Wordlessly, Kyoko played the tape. " He said that to my bro? Fuckin' god he's gonna get it.". " Right now, Mondo, you should focus on your friend.". " Yes, we will sort it out for now.". Mondo had no doubt that Sakura would hold up her promise. Mondo picked up Taka and carried him to his room, opened the door, and sat down on the bed, his bro huddled in his lap. " Shhhh, it's ok. Let it all out.". Ishimaru studdered out a thanks, and then curled back up into Mondo's chest. Mondo ran his hand through Taka's hair, in his best effort to calm him down. He then lifted his bro's head form his chest, and gave him a kiss on the forehead, and tried his best to dry his eyes. He hated this, his bro cying like this, knowing that someone made the decision to hurt Taka like this. He- as gently as his fired up body would let him- rocked the boy back and forth. As he did that, he thought of ways he wanted to make Byakuya pay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This would be better as a comic, but I can't draw so....here ya go. If you want to make this a comic, be my guest. Just make sure you give me credit for the idea. Namaste.

Ishimaru sat next to Hifumi, who instantly scooted his chair away. " Ew! Don't sit next to me! I might catch your virginity!". Taka looked confused. " But.....I'm not a virgin.....". "Yeah, I can confirm that.". Everyone just stared at Mondo as he realised what he had said. Hagakure tried to salvage the situation. " Did he, like, tell you or.....did you.....". He kind of trailed off. "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I shouldn'tve said that. Sorry bro.". " It's ok. I'm just going to my room to hide from the social shame of that.". With that he practically sprinted out of the room. Everyone just stared at Mondo, most with looks of pure horror on their face, and like, two people not caring, and the rest laughing their butts off. "So did you....ehhh? Did you....ihhh?". Aoi looked really uncomfortable saying this. And then, if it couldn't be any worse, Monokuma showed up. " They sure did! I watched them. It was the only thing on.". " What the fuck! Why!*insert confused butter narwhal screaming intermixed with swears* Why!". " Because I could. Good luck with trying to get over that particular hurdle, Mr.Biker.". And with that Monokuma left, followed almost immediately by Mondo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been my ted talk.


	9. Kiss me.

Their eyes met, and just stayed there. They had been studying in the dining hall, but suddenly Kiyotakaa jus had an urge. He looked away for a few seconds, his cheeks flushing, before he spoke. " Bro?". " Yeah, Wassup?". " I,uh, need you to do something for me, if that's ok.". " Of course! What do you need?". Ishimaru looked back up, he eyes meeting his soul brother once again. " Kiss me, Mondo. Please. Tell me you love me, and kiss me.". Mondo was frankly surprised. Normally his bro was pretty collected, but here he was, begging for just one kiss. Mondo couldn't have done anything more willingly. He gently cupped Taka's head in his hand, and brought their lips together. It was more than the shorter boy had ever hoped for. Mondo pulled Ishimaru onto his lap, so the red-eyed boy could lean against his arm. The taller of the two brought his hand back to the other boy's face. He surveyed every inch of his face, trying to sence any discomfort. He found none. "You are just too perfect.". Taka attempted to reject, but Mondo brought a finger to his lips. " It's ok. I just mean you are just perfect for me.". They both just relished this moment, Ishimaru sitting on Oowada's lap, both of them just admiring the other. It was the perfect day for something like this. " I love you, bro. When we get outta here, I still wanna be with you. You compliment me in a way that nobody else does.". " I love you too, Bro. You help keep me steady when my emotions get in the way. I agree, we both compliment each other in a way that boosts the other's good attributes up, instead of down. I never thought I would fall like this...for a biker gang leader, no less...but it was the most pleasant surprise I could have received.". The smaller boy smiled up at the biker, who was now practically cradling him, and snuggled in closer. He then planted a small kiss on his jawline. Mondo just smiled. " Love you, bro.". " I love you too,Bro.".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You liked this, right? Anyway, even if you didn't I have something to say to everyone who has put up with my crap writing. Thank you for all of the wonderful comments my dudes. 
> 
> Kiyondo Reeves.
> 
> I'm not sorry


	10. Kiyondo act like a 3 year old, who knows cuss words.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiyondo is an experiment. The experiment was: Can you download an A.I program into a living human? The answer is yes. Can you delete the A.I program from said person? No, you can't.

He was sitting in the corner, sulking. Mondo went over to talk to him. He was defiantly harder to talk to than Ishimaru, but what you gonna do? " You ok, Ta-" he cut off when Kiyondo glared at him, " Kiyo.". " Just go away. I know you want me to be like him, but I'm doing my best. I have never even met him! Everyone compares me to him, but I'm not this Taka person. I'M ME.". " What did Byakuya say to you?". " Oh, bitch-akuya? Oh, nothing. He wasn't making me feel horrible about existing, or anything.". " Where the heck did you learn sarcasm?". " Just something I've picked up. Like literally everything else about me.". He buried his head in his hands, the glow from his eyes leaking out of his fingers. He was just barely sobbing. Mondo left him alone. 

Everyone was surprised. Kiyondo was missing, and Genocide Jill had come out, so that was an extremely dangerous continuation. Turns out, the were drinking sparkling water, eating butter chicken, and making fun of their "counterparts", Toko and Taka. Turns out Kiyo had learned that dark humor was funny, and is fine to reciprocate, when really it's not. Also, the way to snap Taka back is to break a rule. That, like the whole creation of Kiyondo, was a complete accident. Mako to was running in the hallway, next thing he knew he was being yelled at by Kiyotaka rom down the hallway.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good luck to the raiders, and may they succeed.

The car just kinda appeared in the dining hall. The tables had been pushed aside, and the doors were propped open so that they couldn't lock. Leon carefully crept down the halfway and through the doors. When he got there, Kazuichi rolled down the window. "Hey there. I saved you a se-". He was abruptly cut off as Kiyotaka opened the door. He was wearing his uniform already. " Do you sleep in that thing?". " Leon Kuwata! This is completely unacceptable! You are basically on a suicide mission!". "Yo, Leon. Who's your friend?". The back-seat window rolled down, revealing a short, pink-haired girl. " He looks like some sort of weirdo.". She opened the door and got out, followed by Kaito and some weird looking purple guy. She walked over to him, and stood on her tiptoes. " We know. That's why we're going.". She turned around hearing the two boys back into the car. There were many protests, but Natsuki just yelled over them, " Let's get outta here! We gotta get there in time!". Leon waved goodbye to the dumbfounded Ishimaru, and got in the car. Then the car phased out of existence.


	12. Undercover Cinnamon roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was suggested by Soren_poet.

Chihiro carefully pushed open the door. She didn't want to disturb the girls who were just idlely chating on a bunch of mattresses. " Hello, Fugisaki. Have you come for the sleepover?". Chihiro could feel Celeste's eyes burning into them. " Oh! But, I'm not a girl..". Sayaka giggled, " We said No _boys_, silly! We never said just girls!". Chihiro smiled. They sat down right beside the snack table. " Thank you!". They mostly gossiped, so Chihiro had plenty of time to eat as much as they pleased. That was until karaoke,when Kyoko noticed the snack table was suspiciously empty. It still had food on it, for sure, but barely any of the girls had eaten from it, and there was a sizable portion missing. " Chihiro Fujisaki.". They clenched up at the sound of their name. Kyoko saw that, and was instantly able to know exactly who ate the snacks. " Did you eat most of the snacks off the table? Answer honestly, please.". Chihiro nodded slightly. Kyoko smiled triumphantly. " Why?". Chihiro looked on the verge of tears. " Taia won't let me bring food into my room, and I get really hungry, and I thought you guys would give me food, so I came here.". Aoi stared at them in astonishment. " Are you hollow from the neck down? How did you eat all of that?". Chihiro started crying. " I'm sorry. I was just really hungry.". Kyoko just shook her head. " It's ok, just no more snacks". 


	13. Leon and His sandwich tastes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't judge him, he just really likes Greek salad dressing and ham.

Loen quietly entered the kitchen, and mercifully no one was there. He crept to the fridge, pulled out a bottle of greek feta salad dressing, and the sliced lunch meat ham. He then got some bread, and a plate. He put the bread on the plate, the squirted out a bunch of dressing onto the two slices. He was about to put the dressing away when Yasuhiro came in. The both stared at each other, as Yasuhiro spread peanut butter on his two slices. Leon just put the meat on his, and was about to walk away when Hagakure put a piece of processed cheese on the peanut butter. They both just stood there, looking at the other person's weird sandwich combination. The both sat at the same table, and ate in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a small section based off this in "Group Chat 78", if you want to check it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Suggestions for what they should do are open. No killing though. We can't have any class trials, and dead bodies ruining the fun, can we?


End file.
